Sale or Sell? Pregnancy makes spelling harder than it should be.

"Be grateful for the home you have, knowing that at this moment, all you have is all you need."
                                                                                                                             -Sarah Ban Breathnach

Our house is still for sale. It hasn't shown much over the last few weeks. We have learned that things are totally unpredictable when it comes to selling houses. You never know what influences interested buyers or which weeks it might show 3 times (or none at all).  I am a planner and I like to know what is going to happen next. My husband calls it "being controlling." Either way, it is an extremely difficult process for someone like me. The frantic cleaning, the constant need to reorganize, and the wide array of emotions that I experience every time I see our realtor's number on my phone all make this hard for me. I immediately get excited at the thought that this might be "the one." The excitement fades and it is replaced with unshakeable sense of nostalgia.

For all practical purposes, it would be best for us to sell this house. As we prepare for the new baby's arrival, we will be moving McCann into Manning and Myers' room. Things are going to be tight. Our table will hold exactly 6 and our kitchen is maxed out. (If you come to our house for dinner, plan to sit at a card table.) I am not complaining, merely being realistic.  We have added onto the house twice already to fit our growing family. Without making the layout awkward, there is no feasible way to expand anymore. In my frustration over lack of space and an overabundance of stuff, it is easy for me to be enthusiastic about the prospect of moving on.

Then there is the other side of it all.  The part of me that clings to the familiar. The part that doesn't see the limited space, but the memories we have made here. (Insert sappy Hallmark card) Seriously,  our family's history is right here in these walls. Kevin and I shared our first kiss in this living room on Tuesday, Oct 5th, nine years ago. He told me he loved me just 3 days later in the exact same place and 52 days after that he proposed, you guessed it....... right here.

During the year after we got married, this house became my safe haven. It was no longer Kevin's house, it was home. I spent most of my waking hours, outside of work, with momma in the house that I was raised in. Momma and Daddy built that house when I was five and I have very few memories before we lived there. I love that house and I am so glad my daddy has chosen to stay there. But it is no longer home.

Fast forward one more year, I can envision myself flinging the front door open, bounding down the steps, meeting Kevin on the walkway, pregnancy test in hand. Two pink lines. We were going to have our very first baby. I will never forget that moment. Or the one that followed 8 or so months later when we brought Manning home. We gently sat the brand new carrier with the brand new blanket, covering our brand new baby in the middle of the living room. What do we do now? Boy, we had a lot to learn and we have...... right here in this house.

We have had 3 more positive pregnancy tests since then. We have brought home 2 more precious boys (though not in a new carrier!) It's difficult to imagine bringing our 4th child home anywhere else.

As with everything, it's all in God's perfect timing. As much as I would love to know the "whens" of this entire process, I trust that God knows exactly what He is doing. When our house sells (or doesn't) I want to have perfect peace that it was all a part of His bigger plan.


I used to dream about escaping my ordinary life, but my life was never ordinary. I had simply failed to notice how extraordinary it was. Likewise, I never imagined that home might be something I would miss.” 
                                                                                                                                          -Ransom Riggs

I hear it all time. My boys look just like Kevin. I agree...mostly. Manning and McCann (esp. McCann) do really favor their daddy. They have his bright blue eyes, tiny noses, and full lips. Then there is Myers. He is such a cute kid, but with his green eyes, wider (like his momma's) nose, and thinner lips....he does not look as much like his daddy as the other two mini-Kevin's. I like to take credit for Myers' looks. I mean of the three - he is the only one who slightly favors me. (Maybe #4 will come out looking just like me. Yeah, right. Kevin obviously has some strong genes.)

But it's actually not me that my precious middle boy favors. Check this out.

 

The little boy in the pictures.....my Daddy! Myers looks just like him! Dad was around 4 in these pictures and it amazes me how similar they look!

Red Lipstick

 

 

My momma always wore her make-up. She was an "eye-liner and bright lipstick" kinda lady. I used to tease with her, telling her she put on her face to check the mail. In fact, Dr. Pavy and his staff (her oncologist) routinely commented that, "If Mrs. Ruby didn't have her make-up on, she was REALLY feeling bad." Stage 4 cancer will do that. However, even in the last few weeks of her life, I remember watching her apply that famous eyeliner with her shaking hand and skeleton thin arm. It probably seemed ridiculous to some, but it was important to her. And it gave me comfort. I was losing her day by day, but seeing her worry with her make-up gave me a familiar glimpse of the woman she used to be.....Back when she wasn't sick and cancer seemed like a foreign concept.... Before we knew first-hand the ravaging effects of chemo and radiation. 

 

When mom was alive, digital cameras were not the norm. We took an entire roll of film, got the whole thing developed, and were forced to deal with any "unkind" pictures of ourselves. Where was the delete button? Ten years ago, we were forced to have paper copies of our double chins, bad hair, and closed eyes. Well, either mom did a fabulous job throwing out every "unprepared" picture of herself or she really was remarkable at her make-up regimen. (Like I remember.) I searched through hundreds of pictures today and found very few of momma without her signature bright lips and lined eyes.

 

In so many ways, I am turning into my mother. With every year that passes, I look and sound more her. Growing up, I promised myself that I would wear make-up like her when I was an "adult.". 31 years and 3.5 kids later, I probably qualify. I am avoiding sunburns, fighting wrinkles, and coloring gray hairs. I didn't get mom's olive, thick, skin (Thanks, dad) and already have more lines on my face than she did when she died at age 51. It's time to face the music. It's time break out the red lipstick.

So if you see me looking like I belong in the circus (or the side show), just smile and know that I living up to a legacy...... and I have some big shoes to fill.

 

 

Boogers and Bananas

Boogers or Bananas. That's what Kevin thinks I should rename my blog. Smallest boy loves bananas. Seriously, he can eat muliple bananas everyday and he goes nuts everytime we pass them in the grocery store. So, at least once a day Kevin or I ask, "What's that on the baby's face?" The response is always the same. "It's either boogers or bananas."

We spent last week at the beach. 8 days of bliss. It was the best vacation ever. Seriously, it was absolutely perfect weather, the boys played outside all day everyday, and we had sweet friends to hang out with all week. Of course, with three little boys under five there is chaos. Always. We find calm in that chaos though. It is our norm. One day we went on the beach late in the evening. There were only a handful of other people out. As we walked  I was overwhelmed with the blessing of my family. This man, God gave me, is my rock and these sons of ours bring us joy every single day. They are my biggest ministry. My personal mission is to teach my children the love of Christ and the power of the cross. There are so many things that need my attention. So many things that demand my time and energy. However, no matter what gets left by the wayside or dropped off my too full plate- teaching them about Jesus' love for them will come first. Though I try my best to be exactly what God has called me to be for my boys.  I fail everyday. I get caught up in the meaningless, trivial, yet time-consuming things in our world.  God forgives me and He teaches me that even in my weakness He can be glorified. It is amazing how often the Lord uses my little men to show me his love and power.

Myers was a quiet 1 year old. He never said much and when he did it was only a few words. This shocked us especially coming after motormouth  Manning. As a baby and toddler, Myers was always more reserved, more cautious, more wary of strangers. Then, he turned two. The gate was opened and we have not had a moment of silence in the last year. He is the most talkative kid EVER. It is non-stop questions. "Momma, why you doing that?" "How you going to do it?" "Momma, how come you did it that way?" It's endless. I find it endearing and comical. God makes us mommas especially immune to nuisances of our own children.
His favorite place to ask questions is in the car. Usually I can respond right away and we can move on. However, the other day, the interrogation started and I was trying to pull into a gas station. Manuevering between traffic in the Wal-mart parking lot is not the time to be put in the hot seat. So I failed. I did not answer him in a timely manner. I was concentrating and just could not focus on his relentless questions. Patience is not his (or my) strong point. So after 92 unanswered questions, he yells, "Momma, answer me right now!"

I had to hide my laughter. I had to look away as I explained how he needed to be respectful. I could not help but think about where he got his persistence from me. ME!!! Right now, I have so many questions and I feel like I am constantly asking God for answers. That day, Myers helped me see how much I still have to learn. Just like I only answer Myers when I know the time is right- God only answers our prayers in His perfect timing. I pray that I will have patience as I wait on the answers that will shape our future.

Tough Questions

8 months pregnant with Manning

If you live in Florence and have driven through the stoplight at the intersection of Irby and 2nd Loop, you have no doubt seen the sweet elderly couple that walks the sidewalk beside Hardees. They wear babydolls strapped to their chest, push strollers filled with life-like dolls, and carry signs that read,"Stop Abortion Now." I always smile and nod when I see them. I assume judging by the sheer number of carseats in my van they can see that I share their beliefs. I am not certain as to the effectiveness of their method, but at least they are doing SOMETHING!

8 months pregnant with Myers

Last week was like any other, however, this time my boys were with me and I know my boys. I see the couple, I hold my breath as we sit in the center lane. Maybe they won't notice them since there is another lane of cars separating us. No chance. From the very back seat I hear, "Momma, why are those people carrying baby dolls?" I take a deep "Help me, Jesus" sigh and in the most pre-school manner explained to my 3 and 4 year old what abortion is. They were silent in disbelief. As the light changed and we drove off, Manning questioned, "Momma, people do that in our world?"
I answered: "Yes, baby. They do it in our world and even in our town."
Again, my response was met with silence. They are so innocent. I hate exposing them to the sin in the world. However, I can't lie and hide the truth.
We continued towards home and I prayed they would move on to a new topic. Nope.
Manning comments: "I am glad you didn't do that [have an abortion.] Because I would be dead now."
I blinked back tears and responded, "Sweetheart, I would have Never done that. First of all, the Bibe tells us that abortion is murder and murder is ALWAYS wrong. Secondly, Daddy and I wanted you and your brothers with every ounce of our beings."
Myers finally speaks up, "When people die they go to heaven." Things keep getting deeper and I am beginning to wonder if I should have changed the subject when they started the questioning. Then Manning said something that made all the uneasiness of this conversation worthwhile, "I don't think people who have abortions have a Bible. I think we should give them all one." With gooscbumps, I answered,
"You are right. So very right."
Thank you, God, for these sweet boys and their understanding and desire for YOU. I pray that as they inevidently see more sin in this world, they will meet it with the same faith.

7 months pregnant with McCann

Two posts in one week....

God sure uses these little people in my world to teach me things. Myers turned 3 on April 14th and he is officially a "big boy." He demands independence and prefers to do everything himself. Kevin and I are learning to allow him to master the majority of things on his own. However, he still needs guidance. He needs our help and our supervison. 99% of the time he is willing to let us assist him. He brushes his teeth and then we help. He dresses himself and then we tie his shoes. Then there is the 1% of the time that he absolutely does not want our help. This tiny portion of time ALWAYS occurs in the car getting into his seat. He so badly wants to buckle himself into his carseat without any guidance from us. At three, he doesn't understand the ramfications of not being fastened correctly. We do and we want him to be as safe as possible. Enter 29 pounds of  fury. Legs kicking, arms swatting, screaming, yelling, crying. All just because we want what's best for him.
Today, as I battled the beast of  Myers and the carseat. God got my attention. "Amy, do you not act the exact same way in your own life?" I know I need God's direction and I know He is in control. He is the Alpha and Omega, beginning and end. He knows and wants what is best for me. I am completely aware of this and in most areas I readily relinquish control to Him. Then there are the other areas. The situations and issues in my life that I hold onto too tightly. The circumstances and things that are harder to give up, even when He is trying to give me His best. Isn't it amazing how God uses our children to reveal our own character, our own sin, and our own need for repentence? I pray that just as Myers learns the importance of allowing us to protect him, I will remember to allow God to protect me.

Do you know that feeling you get when your stomach is tied up in knots? When you are absolutely positive the cause is emotional, not physical. That queasiness that we associate with anticipation, anxiety, and excitement. I get it every single time I run a race. From the minute I get there- to the time the race begins. I get the same feeling every time I ride a roller coaster. Those endless minutes of standing in line watching, listening, and counting how many seconds the ride takes. (Does anyone else do this?) I  have probably experienced this feeling most intensely the nights before the births of each of my boys. That familiar tug that holds me in its grip. For a little while at least. Just as quickly as the uneasiness begins, it ends. The horn sounds and I feel freedom with each stride. The ride starts and I get lost in the thrill. The sweet babies enter the world and love overcomes.

The feeling itself is not comfortable but there is a peace in knowing the outcome. I have ran handfuls of races, ridden countless coasters, and birthed three boys. I know how this all  should work. I know that with the release comes the unknown terrain, the unexpected drops, and pain of new life. However, I know that in the end it will be worth it.. The pain and unfamiliar territory is replaced with satisfaction and relief. I cross the finish line in one piece (so far), the ride ends with me still on it (I always worry about falling out), and the doctors hand me a precious baby boy (Thank you, Jesus.)  Just as I know the trials that precede the joy, oh how I know the contentment once I am on the other side.

Right now in this journey of life, it would be incredibly easy to be in a constant state of anxiety. It is a daily decision to put those jitters aside. We are entering a whole new world, leaving behind familiar ground. Our house is on the market and we do not know what the next few months will bring. We don't know where we will live or where Kevin will work if we move. We do not know where the boys will go to school. The list of questions with no answers stretches as far as I can think. But just as I find hope in the knowledge that races, roller coasters, and child birth eventually come to an end. This period will too. Just as I cry out to God during that last mile when my mind is telling me to quit and that last push when I am begging for a c-section, I will call to Him again. I will have faith. I will trust in His plan and His provision. I am so thankful to serve a God who loves me and offers me perfect peace. Contentment in the here and now.